My revelation, Wednesday Sep. 26, 2012

I wake up Wednesday morning. I go straight to my email and see that I wasn't invited to an interview to what I thought was my top choice firm. I'm bummed. Not necessarily bummed-bummed, but you know, it wasn't the best morning I had. It hits the pride gut just a little bit. 

I decide to take a really long shower and pray. You should know I'm not good or used to the traditional form of praying, where I bow my head, get down on my knees and pray-pray. But this time around I really prayed. I asked God to forgive me for all the things I've done wrong. I asked God to forgive me for my impatience and lack of trust. I admitted to God that I've been really prideful throughout this whole job search and have yet to truly ask God where he wants me to go. I said, "God, I'm not mad that I did not get this interview. I'm not upset either. I know your plan is better than mine. Your plan is better than mine." And believe it or not I kept muttering that to myself. I told God, "I'm so lost. Show me your will. Give me something. I just want to go where you want me to go, but God, you gotta help me out here. Give me something." 

I hop out of the shower and dress myself in a suit - the hot, uncomfortable kind. I had an office visit for another potential job. While I'm driving I wonder if there will ever be a place out there where I can wear whatever I want to work. I get there and I'm greeted by the manager of the office. He's wearing jeans and immediately I realize I'm over-dressed. I meet his small team of 10 or so people. They are all wearing jeans. Now I know I'm definitely over-dressed. We head to the office and he introduces me to his team. Every single person I talk to is greeting me with friendly smiles. And I don't mean put-on-a-smile-and-greet-this-person-smiles, but actual, genuine smiles. 

The purpose of this visit wasn't for them to interview me, but for me to meet the people and learn more about the job I would be doing. By the end of the visit, I'm getting a good vibe (This place also happens to be one of those places you hoped as a little kid that you could one day work for, so I'm thinking, it's almost too good to be true). But of course, there's always the "tricky part" that follows. I'm an international student, so upon graduation I can stay in the U.S. for 12 months on a temporary visa. Before the 12 months expires, I need to find a job with a firm that is willing to sponsor my work visa so I can stay in the U.S. I fear so much going back to Korea or overseas because my whole community is here. I get so exhausted each day telling employees I need this sponsorship otherwise I won't be able to join their firm. I'm so tired of building hope and excitement to only be disappointed. So by the end of the visit, I'm bummed again. Everything was a good fit. The people, the work, the opportunities - but there was a high possibility I wouldn't get the job because of my citizen status. I'm slightly disappointed again. 

As I'm leaving, the manager asks if I would like a ride to my car. I accept the offer and we head to the garage. During the short, five minute drive, the manager tells me the importance of doing things out of passion, not money. He shares with me how he's seen people fight over money and the harm money can bring to your life. He tells me the purpose of his life has never been money but to serve. He shares with me that he's a Christian, and that his wife's a Christian too. I don't know why, but I feel this pang of emotion gush over my body and I'm about to cry.  

I share with him that I, too, am a Christian and began my walk with Christ a year and a half ago. The manager lets out an extensive sigh and tells me how great it is to hear that. He shares that when he first started dating his wife, she told him, "The deal-breaker for me is that you have to be a Christian. And not the fake kind." He begins to share his testimony with me. I learn that he leads a devotional with his employees every week. I learn that he's going to preach a sermon at his small church this weekend. I also learn that he's suffered through struggles and the road as a Christian for him hasn't been easy. He lets me know that God has helped him tremendously through each struggle and prepared him for what was next in store. I decide to share with him my current experience with God as I'm exhausting myself through the job process. 

He nods and asks, "Have you ever wondered where you'll be if everything you asked from God came true?" 

I thought about it for a moment. 

He adds, "If God answered everyone of my prayers, I wouldn't have met my wife and I wouldn't have gotten this job." 

To a certain degree, I get everything he's saying. I know that God has a plan for me and his plan is better than mine. I look at where I am now and I can see for myself how God has worked in my life, how good he is and how he has everything under control. But sometimes, it's really hard for me to truly believe it. I share that with the manager too. 

He tells me, "I know a friend who had a fish tank. My friend would say, 'My fish keep fearing me. I clean the tank, I feed them everyday, and I take care of them. But each time I go to feed them, they fear me.' The only way for the fish to know that my friend wasn't going to harm them was if my friend morphed into a fish and joined the fish tank. Then my friend could tell all of his fish how he's really there to take care of them." 

On my way home I find myself at peace. I don't necessarily think God was saying, "Christine, this office is where I want you after graduation." Or maybe he was. I knew that the salary was low, it was a far commute, and the job wouldn't be a permanent ticket for me to stay in the States. However, I truly felt as though God was telling me, "Focus on serving me and I will take care of everything, because I'm here to take care of you." God was asking me to trust him in not just one or two aspects of my job search, but my whole job search. And on my way back home I told God I would do just that. 

To be honest with you, it's not like the next day I woke up and became a new person. But I knew a part of me had died away and was accepting its new found faith. I also want to say that this problem or revelation might seem petty in a way. I have a roof over my head, I can afford to eat at restaurants, and all my family members are healthy and alive. There truly isn't much for me to complain about. But that's also the reason why I found myself needing God. Needing Jesus. Why is it that I can never be happy or thankful for what I'm given and I greed for more? Whose standard am I measuring myself up against? God gives me a reason to believe there's more to life than just reaching. 

The reason Wednesday's experience for me was a revelation was that God showed me he was there. He didn't have to. He could have taught me another lesson in patience but he decided to show up and answer my prayer. My favorite bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

But I want to focus on the verses that come after that - 

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when  you seek me with all your heart." 

I prayed, He listened.
I sought and I found Him. 

Through precious moments like Wednesday, when there's a confirmation of God's word, I feel an overwhelming rush of guilt and humility because I feel ashamed that I needed proof from God. However, I want to share with you, especially if you're wondering about this whole Christianity thing, that being a Christian doesn't mean your faith and belief is solid all the time. In fact, my experience tells me that I doubt more than I believe sometimes and that scares me. But I absolutely love being a Christian and believing in God and choosing to walk with Christ for life, because God never fails to show up when I search for him wholeheartedly. I'm so, so thankful for that. 

Thanks for letting me share this with you. It means a lot.